


Time Heals (Most) Wounds

by sicktrash1127



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, F/M, Heartbreak, Inspired by Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue, Minor Character Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 21:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19048531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sicktrash1127/pseuds/sicktrash1127
Summary: Tessa wasn’t interested in digging up the past; she preferred to keep it buried. But, after ten years of silence, old wounds begin to fester and there’s nothing she can do to escape the fallout.However, for the first time, Tessa understood her own importance in this trio. In the same way Scott and Chiddy made up for the things Tessa lacked, she did the same for them.They all sat there, holding hands and breathing, and a silent understanding passed between them. Tessa was completely content in that moment. Her heart was full.





	Time Heals (Most) Wounds

Tessa felt like a complete idiot, and she was sure she looked like one too, but there was no way she was going to let her heels get stuck in the mud. Tessa held her arms out for balance as she traipsed across the razor thin gravel barrier, doing her best not to stumble and fall into the wet mud.

 

 

Tessa stopped her balancing act and took a moment to look around. She wasn’t particularly fond of cemeteries, but then again, neither was anyone else. Tessa looked up, desperate for a distraction. There had been a downpour in Toronto the night before and this morning the sky was bleak and gray, which only added to the already solemn atmosphere.

 

 

 

Tessa scanned the area and quickly spotted the only group of people in sight. She stared at the small cluster of black coats and umbrellas and suddenly, it was difficult to breathe. She turned away and struggled to remember what Jordan had told her before she had left for the airport last night. It was some bullshit about counting backwards from fifty when she felt the anxiety start to kick in.

 

 

 

_God, I can’t do this. Please, please, don’t make me do this._

 

 

 

Everything about this situation was too familiar and Tessa hated it. She hated all of this, and she especially hated Jordan for refusing to come with her today. She needed a rock, an anchor of some kind to keep her mind and heart from running away from her.

 

 

 

Tessa couldn’t help but feel like someone had it out for her and was playing tricks. She had a feeling she knew exactly who it was. He always did like to wind people up.

 

 

 

 _All right, asshole, you win_ , Tessa thought, casting a quick glance to the clouds above, and started walking.

 

 

 

Tessa decided not to push herself through the small crowd surrounding the grave. She told herself she did it to be respectful and allow the closest blood relatives to have their moment of silence and reflection, but she was also terrified of running into anyone and having to explain why she hadn’t been in touch for the last decade.

 

 

 

Tessa heard some sniffles and quiet sobs coming from the front of the group and shifted her weight from one foot to the next. Tessa tried her best to block out the crying and focus on anything but the bleak atmosphere around her. She realized that it was a very selfish thing to do, that these people were all here to grieve, and all Tessa could think about were her own feelings of anxiety and unease. Tessa wondered for a moment if she’d always been a tad bit selfish, even when she was young, but her train of thought was interrupted when she saw a flash of something bright pink.

 

 

 

 _What the hell was that?_ Tessa was pretty sure that the custom was to wear black at a memorial. _What kind of self-centered, thoughtless, holier-than-thou –_

 

           

 

Tessa tried not to choke on her own spit when the person in front of her shifted a little and she caught another glimpse of the pink thing. It was hair. Pink fucking hair, Tessa couldn’t believe it. Not only that, but the pink mop of hair was sitting atop the head of the one person she had hoped she would never see again.

 

 

 

Tessa could feel her chest begin to compress and bile rise in her stomach. Of all the people she had imagined she would have to face today; Tessa had known she would not be able to handle facing him. She wondered if anyone would notice if she slipped away, but just then, everyone began moving away and greeting one another, and it was too late for her to escape.

 

 

 

“Tessa!” a voice called out and she was swiftly enveloped in a hug.

 

 

 

Tessa couldn’t bring herself to hug back, but she still smiled at the older woman in front of her when they broke apart.

 

 

 

Mrs. Chan cupped Tessa’s face adoringly in her hands and squeezed her cheeks tightly, and Tessa tried her best to not let it bug her too much.

 

 

 

“How are you? Oh, it’s so good to see you,” Mrs. Chan exclaimed. "I wasn’t sure if you were gonna make it, but here you are! And look at you, you’ve gotten so thin. It must be all those long nights, staying up and writing. You know, all of us here are just so proud of you. Everyone reads your column and I’m pretty sure the town council wants to make some kind of plaque or statue in your honor. It’s just an amazing thing, to have someone from here make it big. We’re all just so proud of you.”

 

 

 

Tessa smiled as best she could throughout Mrs. Chan’s little spiel, but it was tough. She’d forgotten how much the woman liked to talk. Years ago, Tessa may have found it endearing and entertaining, but now it was just another thing about this place that rubbed her the wrong way.

 

 

 

“Well, I figured it was just one of those things I couldn’t miss,” Tessa offered half-heartedly.

 

 

 

“You know, everyone thought you weren’t going to show, because of last time. But, I held out hope, and now, here you are. I know that he would have been so glad that you’re here. He would’ve just been ecstatic, my boy.”

 

 

 

Tessa smiled at that. It was then that she noticed the obvious redness in Mrs. Chan’s eyes, and she felt ashamed for her previous annoyance with her.

 

 

 

“How are you, Mrs. Chan? How are things?”

 

 

 

The older woman smiled, but her eyes did not brighten the way Tessa remembered they used to.

 

 

 

“Well, the holiday season is coming and the whole town is gearing up for Christmas. We started a manitto game this year. Do you remember all those years ago when the three of you would play and get each other gifts? I remember one year, Patrick biked 26 miles just to get you that pretty scarf you saw in a department store. That poor boy was about to catch hypothermia by the time he got home, but you know he would do anything for a friend.”

 

 

 

Tessa saw Mrs. Chan’s eyes brim with tears as she spoke and her voice wavered, but Tessa said nothing. Not that she had anything to say. Tessa had never been good with words, especially not ones of comfort. The memories were painful enough as it was, and Tessa almost hated Mrs. Chan for having to bring them to the surface after Tessa had been trying for so long to stifle them. Tessa had known coming here would end up being a bad idea.

 

 

 

“Anyway, you need to come with me and say hello to everyone, they’ll be so happy to see your pretty face.”

 

 

 

That was the last thing Tessa wanted to do, but Mrs. Chan linked her arm with Tessa’s and dragged her to the small clusters of people one by one before she could protest.

 

 

 

Tessa had forgotten just how small this town was, with a population of barely one thousand, but coming face to face with so many old relatives, neighbors, and family friends, Tessa began to feel like the rowdy, pig-tailed teenager she once was, a person Tessa had decided to bury and lock away ten years ago.

 

 

 

“Everything about you has changed. What happened to your beautiful curls? You’ll damage your hair if you keep straightening it.”

 

 

 

“You know, every month we all pitch in to buy a couple copies of Blush. We all love reading your section. You have grown up and done so well for herself!”

 

 

 

“Have you visited your parents yet? They’re out of town but they should be home tomorrow morning. I’m sure they’d love to see you, after you’ve been gone so long.”

 

 

 

“You should visit more often, Tessa. Everyone misses you.”

 

 

 

Tessa tried her best to smile and nod and make small talk as she was bombarded with questions and comments. With every prying statement and every pair of curious, yet delighted eyes, Tessa shrunk further and further into herself. There had been a reason she hadn’t been back in the last decade, and the last thing she wanted to do was explain herself. She wouldn’t even know where to begin. She wasn’t one to dwell on the past.

 

 

 

However, Tessa couldn’t help but feel just the tiniest bit guilty that she had not missed everyone in the same way they had obviously missed her. She’d grown up here, that was true, but she’d also grown out of this place, out of these people, and their silly jokes and stories. In fact, she couldn’t help but feel as if she was better off without them and this town, where nothing ever happened and no one ever got out. She’d realized that ten years ago, and she’d never looked back.

 

 

 

Tessa managed to break away from the crowd for a moment. She walked to a small clearing and leaned against a nearby tree. She opened her bag and pulled out her carton of cigarettes and lighter. She took a long drag and exhaled slowly, her nerves immediately calming.

 

 

 

“Weren’t you the one who always said, and I quote, that ‘smoking is the worst thing any human being could possibly do besides kick kittens.’”

 

 

 

Tessa didn’t turn to see who it was. She knew.

 

 

 

“I’m pretty sure I said puppies.”

 

 

 

Scott laughed, but didn’t respond. Tessa still hadn’t turned to face him and continued to smoke, not making any attempt at furthering the conversation. After a minute or two of silence, Tessa stamped out her cigarette.

 

 

 

She crossed her arms tightly across her chest, attempting to block out the cold chill of the fall. She decided to give Scott a sideways glance and began inspecting his profile. He had always been handsome, of this Tessa had been acutely aware ever since they were young, but the last ten years had been good to him. His jawline was much more defined and his eyes were still as bright as she remembered.

 

 

 

Tessa suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of discomfort. She and Scott hadn’t spoken in years, only sending the occasional holiday email or ambiguous birthday post on Facebook, and being face to face now was just horribly awkward. Not to mention, they weren’t reuniting in the best of circumstances.

 

 

 

“So, um, the pink hair? What’s the story there?”

 

 

 

Scott turned to look at her, seeming perplexed but also relieved. Perhaps he also felt the nervous tension between them. “Well, uh, it’s a stupid story really. Just a dumb dare.”

 

 

 

Tessa leaned toward him playfully. “I’m always game for a dumb dare story.”

 

 

 

 “Okay.” Scott smiled.

 

 

 

“My colleagues and I were all out for drinks one night. We made a bet that whoever could drink the most shots of tequila, and still manage to stand upright and get through all of Bohemian Rhapsody, well, then everyone owed that person 12000 dollars. And with a group of ten people, it was a pretty good deal.”

 

 

 

“I’m still not seeing how the pink hair factors in.”

 

 

 

“Oh, right. Well, we also decided that the first person to lose would be forced to dye their hair any color the winner chose. And I only managed to get through the first few lines.”

 

 

 

“So now you’ve got pink hair.”

 

 

 

“Actually, the bottle said ‘Dusty Rose,’ so –”

 

 

 

Tessa guffawed. “Like that’s any better.”

 

 

 

Scott laughed along with her. “Yeah, I guess not.”

 

 

 

Their laughter died down almost instantly and the uncomfortable quiet returned. It hadn't always been this way. Tessa remembered so many afternoons and evenings all three of them had spent together in complete silence. It was comforting then, as if somehow the stillness was bringing them closer and molding them together. Now, there was only tension, and it seemed that, the longer Tessa and Scott were silent, the more distant they grew from one another.

 

 

 

“Have you seen your parents yet?” Scott asked.

 

 

 

Tessa shook her head. “No.”

 

 

 

“You planning to?”

 

 

 

“No.”

 

 

 

“How long are you planning on staying?”

 

 

 

“I’m not.”

 

 

 

“How come?”

 

 

 

“I just can’t. I’ve got a thing.”

 

 

 

“What kind of thing?”

 

 

 

“It’s important.”

 

 

 

“Everything’s important.”

 

 

 

“Yeah, well.” Tessa looked him in the eye, suddenly annoyed by his incessant questions. “This is actually important.”

 

 

 

“And this,” Scott gestured to their surroundings, “isn’t?”

 

 

 

Tessa rolled her eyes. “Don’t."

 

 

 

“No, please, explain it to me. I want to know.”

 

 

 

Tessa didn’t respond. She knew where this was headed. She heard the edge in his tone, the sound of an oncoming storm. Even after all this time, Tessa still knew him.

 

 

 

“You know,” Scott said, “I’m pretty sure that this ‘important thing’ you’re talking about probably has something to do with that piece of shit magazine you write for. And if I’m right, then I honestly have no clue why you have to leave just for that.”

 

 

 

“It’s not a piece of shit, okay?” Tessa jumped on the defensive. “We have hundreds of thousands of readers.”

 

 

 

“It’s a tabloid, Tessa! My god, it doesn’t get trashier than that.”

 

 

 

“I can’t believe you. After all this time, you couldn’t just be happy for me? Congratulate me on my success? Because I am successful, all right. I write for a popular magazine and I write well and people read what I write and they like it. Even the bumpkins in this crappy town, if you can even call it that, have read it!”

 

 

 

“They don’t read it because they like the bullshit you write, Tessa. They buy it because they love you, and they want to support you. How can you not see that? You of all people should know how hard it is. The whole town probably has to save the little extra cash they have just to buy ten copies!

 

 

 

“And is that really what you consider success? Writing pointless garbage that mindless, self-absorbed assholes read? Forgetting about the people who brought you up and cared for you? Well then, please, excuse me; I didn’t realize just how successful you are, Tessa Congrats.”

 

 

 

Scott made a move to turn and walk away, but Tessa grabbed his arm and yanked him back.

 

 

 

“What would you know about success? You’re a software developer, Scott. That has got to be the most boring, generic job I could ever possibly think of.”

 

 

 

“At least I’m happy with what I’m doing.”

 

 

 

“And you don’t think I am?”

 

 

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

 

 

“You don’t know anything about me!” Tessa cried out. “And I don’t know how you think it’s okay for you to get angry with me about this. You’re not even my friend anymore!”

 

 

 

Scott didn’t say anything to that. Tessa could see the hurt in his eyes immediately and she wished she could unsee it. It had always been like this with them. He was an open book, expressing anything and everything with a single look, and Tessa said hurtful things without thinking, only regretting her words after she spoke them.

 

 

 Scott nodded his head and cast his eyes down to the ground.

 

 

 

“No, um, of course, you’re absolutely right. We’re not friends anymore.”

 

 

 

Scott looked up at her again and Tessa could clearly see the disappointment in his eyes.

 

 

 

“But even I know that you don’t leave your friend’s tenth anniversary memorial for a fucking job. Especially when you never even showed up to the funeral in the first place.”

 

 

 

Tessa wanted to hit him. She wanted to slap him across the face and yell and scream and kick him. But she knew it wouldn’t make her feel any better. He was right. He was always right. And Tessa hated him for it. She hated him. She hated him. She hated him.

 

 

 

She hated what she’d done to him. To both of them.

 

 

 

Scott walked away from her then, without looking back. He headed back to the group and pushed through a small cluster of people to hug Mrs. Chan. Tessa watched as he whispered something to her softly and suddenly Mrs. Chan’s eyes were bright with newfound tears and she was crying and hugging Scott again.

 

 

 

Tessa’s stomach twisted. He had never raised his voice at her before in all the years she’d known him, not until this day. She could feel the guilt eating away at her already.

 

 

 

Tessa reached inside her bag for another cigarette before looking up and seeing everyone begin walking away from the cemetery. She pushed the carton of cigarettes back into her bag and began walking as well. She trudged across the dirt roads, a good twenty feet behind the group. They were all headed inside Mr. White’s restaurant, most likely for some kind of reception, and Tessa paused outside of the door.

 

 

 

She turned and looked at the building directly across from the restaurant. It was two stories high, with a large metal tub for bathing out front and a broken window covered with duct tape and old bed boards. Tessa recognized the patchy sections of red, blue and green paint covering the wood of the house from one hot summer day when her family, Scott’s and Chiddy’s had all gotten together to paint. There had been discrepancies and disagreements between all three families when it came to what the color the house should be painted. After trying for hours to reach the second story of the building – even resorting to three people sitting on each other’s shoulders in order to reach the highest crevices – where Tessa’s family resided, they had all given up and laughed about the hodgepodge of colors they had created.

 

 

 

Apparently, no one had every bothered to fix the place up. Probably because no one could afford to, but Tessa supposed there was also sentimental value to keeping the house looking like a deformed patch quilt. Her parents had always been the nostalgic kind. Tessa wondered for a moment that, if she took the tiny ladder to the second floor of the house, if she would still find her small, closet-like room kept the same way she had left it ten years ago.

 

 

 

Tessa turned away from the house and walked into the restaurant. The space was already cramped to begin with, but even more so with the forty odd people who were here. Mr. White was behind the counter, his facing turning tomato red as he guffawed at his own joke. Tessa spotted the town’s resident old ladies’ club, sitting at the corner table and talking in hushed whispers.

 

 

 

Tessa weaved her way past the tables and occupied chairs, stopping every once in a while, to greet someone. She didn’t realize it until she was there, but Tessa had been heading to the small table tucked into the narrow nook behind the condiments station. Scott was already seated there.

 

 

 

Tessa pursed her lips, knowing it would be impossible to sit anywhere else with the hordes of people occupying every inch of the restaurant.

 

 

 

“Have a seat,” Scott said curtly.

 

 

 

Tessa did, placing her bag in lap and fidgeting with the strap. She avoided Scott’s gaze and whipped out her cell phone. She wasn’t all that shocked to find she had no signal.

 

 

 

They sat in silence, neither one wanting to start a conversation that would undoubtedly dissolve into another argument. Tessa looked at the pictures hanging on the wall. Some dated all the way back to the 1930’s. There were some photos of eating contest winners, but most were of the generations of families and friends that came here week in and week out.

 

 

 

“It’s just something nobody can understand,” Tessa heard a voice say. “Even all these years later. He was such a sweet boy, so bubbly and excited all the time. I’m fairly certain the boy would have been satisfied to watch grass grow.”

 

 

 

“It’s tragic, is what it is,” another person chimed in. “Nobody had a bad thing to say about him. And he was just so caring. A heart as wide as the world.”

 

 

 

“He never even left a note.”

 

 

 

“It’s just sad. Very sad.”

 

 

 

Tessa dragged her feet through the dirt, kicking up dust clouds as she went. She shouldered her backpack as she rounded the corner and groaned aloud. She could already hear the yells and shouts coming from the first floor of her home. She sighed and mentally prepared herself for the worst as she opened the front door.

 

 

 

_Dad, Mr. Moir, and Mr. Chan were all seated cross-legged in front of the 19x15 televising set, watching the grainy hockey match and screaming every time Canada’s team members got anywhere close to the goal (which didn’t happen very often). The mothers were all cooking dinner together, laughing and dancing along to their own loud, collective humming. Scott and Chiddy were curled up on the couch, sharing a bag of chips and watching the game while mirroring their fathers’ excitement over the match._

_Tessa greeted her mother with quick kiss on her cheeks before jumping onto the couch next to Chiddy._

_“What I miss?” she asked._

_“We’re down by three points,” Chiddy said._

_“And that’s good?”_

_Chiddy took her hand in his and his eyes widened excitedly. “Who knows? But it’s exciting isn’t it? Cheering and screaming whenever anything happens. It gets your blood pumping!”_

_Tessa laughed and squeezed his fingers just as everyone erupted into cheers, as Canada’s players got closer and closer to the goal, only to have the other team steal it back last minute. Their fathers all groaned and cursed simultaneously._

_Tessa leaned over to Scott with her hand outstretched, waiting for him to pass her some of the corn chips he was currently hoarding. He licked his palm and made a move to give her a high five in response and Tessa recoiled._

_“Ugh, gross!”_

_Scott laughed and stuffed another chip into his mouth._

_“Oh, yeah? Well, keep laughing, Moir. Do you want me to tell your mom that you left me to walk home by myself? You know how far away the middle school is, and you just ran off without waiting for me.”_

_Scott shrugged nonchalantly. “You got here just fine, didn’t you?”_

_“Hey! Just because we’ve been friends since birth doesn’t mean I won’t drop kick you into the next town.”_

_“Good luck with that. The next town is fifty-three miles away.”_

_“So what? You don’t think I’m strong enough to do it?”_

_“Please, I’ve seen you in gym class. Don’t you remember the Great Kickball Debacle of ’97?”_

_Tessa felt her ears turn hot and she scrunched her nose._

_“That was one time! And you threw the ball to my left, which you know is my weaker leg.”_

_Scott snorted and Tessa smacked the back of his head. Scott retaliated by pinching her arm and Chiddy blocked Tessa from hitting back. Pretty soon, they were all wrestling and jeering at one another. Tessa yanked on Scott’s hair and he cried out loudly._

_“Hey! If you three don’t shut up, there’ll be no dinner for any of you,” Joe Moir shouted._

_“You’re one to talk,” Mrs. Chan laughed from the kitchen. “All you’ve done for the last hour is yell at that silly box. And what for? We all know Canada’s going to lose.”_

_“Take that back,” Mr. Chan cried. “Take it back, or I’ll divorce you!”_

_“Please do! Maybe then I won’t have to suffer through your horrible snoring every night.”_

_Tessa’s mother laughed at that. “It’s really terrible isn’t it? Even from upstairs we can hear it.”_

_"He sounds like a lawn mower!” Alma Moir said and the whole room exploded into peals of laughter._

 

 

 

Tessa blinked and refocused her attention back on the women who had been speaking. All they seemed to talk about was how kind and compassionate Chiddy had been, and how dreadful it was that he was gone. However, no one said the word. They talked about how there was no palpable reason for it, no note or any trace of why he had done it. But nobody seemed to want to say the word.

 

 

 

Was it shameful for them? Tessa wondered.

 

 

 

Was it shameful to have one of their own commit suicide? Did they see it as some sort of scar to cover up? Or was it just sadness and shock? Still not believing that something like this could happen to someone who was so loving and well loved?

 

 

 

Or, perhaps, everyone had done their grieving and mourning. Perhaps they had already questioned why he had done it and wondered and lost sleep over it. Perhaps they had wracked their brains for a reason and come up with none. Perhaps they had wondered if there was anything they could have done, any small gesture that could have changed the outcome. Perhaps they had all healed in the time since his suicide and the funeral. Perhaps they had all gained closure and could now recall Chiddy’s life as a bittersweet memory to look back on and smile about. The more Tessa thought about it, the more she hated them.

 

 

 

Tessa stood abruptly and dashed out of the restaurant, suddenly feeling as if her throat was closing up. She burst out through the front door as she rummaged through her bag for her cigarettes and stopped when she saw two men with their backs to her. One of them was sporting that infuriating pink hair, and Tessa wondered for a brief moment when Scott had gotten up from the table to come outside.

 

 

 

The other man was short, with a drastically receding hairline, and he was holding some sort of briefcase. The stranger was telling Scott something, and Tessa stayed a few feet behind to give them privacy. She became curious, however, when Scott’s posture stiffened.

 

 

 

The man seemed to notice Tessa’s presence almost immediately and he smiled knowingly when he saw her. Scott turned to look at her as well and Tessa already had a bad feeling about all this.

 

 

 

“Ms. Virtue, it’s a pleasure,” the man said and held out an outstretched hand.

 

 

 

Tessa shook it mechanically. “I don’t believe we’ve met before.”

 

 

 

“No, we haven’t, but I’ve been anticipating this day for a decade now.”

 

 

 

A red flag immediately flew up at those words and Tessa took a step backward.

 

 

 

“Oh no, please,” the man exclaimed. “I’m not – that is, I would never – um, I am here to speak to both you and Mr. Moir here about a legal matter. In regards to your late friend, Patrick Chan.”

 

 

 

Tessa didn’t respond. Scott stepped toward them and put his hand on the man’s shoulder.

 

 

 

“Mr. Bell told me he had important news for the both of us. He’s Chiddy’s attorney.”

 

 

 

Tessa didn’t respond to Scott either. In fact, she didn’t even want to look at him. His harsh words from earlier were still ringing in her ears.

 

 

 

“I’m sure that you must be feeling very overwhelmed at the moment, Ms. Virtue, and I completely understand,” Mr. Bell said kindly. “However, it was part of my client’s last will and testament that you two receive this letter.”

 

 

 

“What letter?” Tessa asked, suddenly finding her voice.

 

 

 

Mr. Bell opened his briefcase and began searching through the assorted papers inside before pulling out a frayed, yellowish envelope.

 

 

 

“This is for the both of you. Mr. Chan left behind two letters, one for you two and another, instructing me to give this envelope to you on the tenth anniversary of his death.”

 

 

 

Mr. Bell held out the letter to Tessa, but she made no move to take it from him. Tessa was frozen. She stared at the envelope, recognizing Chiddy’s precise handwriting on the cover addressing the letter to “My Precious Tessa and My Darling Scotty.” Tessa’s vision was beginning to blur.

 

 

 

“I don’t understand,” Scott said as he stood in between Tess and Mr. Bell. “Chiddy was still a minor when he…I don’t understand how you can just give us this letter. These are his last words. His parents must have wanted it.”

 

 

 

Tessa wasn’t sure if Scott really had to say something face to face with Mr. Bell, or if he had noticed Tessa’s eye well up, but no matter the reason, Tessa was grateful he blocked her from sight. She wiped a stray tear from her cheek before resting her hand on Scott’s arm and gently pushing him aside.

 

 

 

“Yes, I am aware that Mr. Chan was a minor and I did inform his parents of the letter’s existence. After much deliberation, they decided against reading it if or until either of you wished to share its content with them. They respected their son’s wishes.”

 

 

 

Scott stuffed his hands in his pockets and gave Tessa a sideways glance, silently asking her how she wanted to proceed. Tessa had no idea what to do. Of course, there was a part of her that wanted to take the letter and read it. Another voice in her head told her not to, that it would be throwing away all that she’d worked for the last decade. All the nights spent staying up and wondering what the hell she did wrong and the quiet sobs let out when no one was watching. Tessa had worked so damn hard to let this go, to let him go, to let Scott go, and this stupid town and all its suffocating inhabitants.

 

 

 

The dominant voice in her head, however, was one that thrived off of her fear. Tessa had spent so much time locked in her own mind, trying to soothe herself and convince herself that it wasn’t her fault. Every day she had to tell herself that she did not push him over any sort of unknown edge and that she had done everything she possibly could have to let Chiddy know how much she loved him.

 

 

 

Above all else, Tessa was certain that if she opened that letter and read anything that hinted at some sort of possibility that he could have been helped – something that she could have done to assure him that he belonged with her and Scott, here – it would be the end of her.

 

 

 

_“What do you want to be remembered for?” Chiddy asked._

_“I told you five minutes of quiet,” Tessa snapped, not even bother opening her eyes to say it. “You can’t even keep your mouth shut for five minutes.”_

 

 

_"What do you mean?” Scott inquired, glossing over Tessa’s prickly response._

_“I just mean, like, what do you wanna be remembered for? When you’re gone,” Chiddy said._

_“You mean, like, a legacy?” Scott clarified._

_Chiddy nodded._

_Scott didn’t say anything, and Tessa finally opened her eyes and sat up on her elbows._

_“What do you think this is? Some teen angst movie? Why are you getting so philosophical all of a sudden?” she asked and laughed._

_Chiddy shrugged with his whole body, his expression oddly sober. “Don’t know really. I mean, we’re graduating in the morning. Then we’ve got the rest of our lives to figure out. And we’re sitting here at the top of the highest hill, looking up at the sky full of stars. It kinda forces you to get all philosophical and nostalgic, doesn’t it?”_

_Tessa rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Nope. I’m perfectly happy just laying here and saying nothing.”_

_Tessa returned to her original position of laying down flat on her back and shut her eyes again. None of them said anything for a while and the silence encompassed them. The whole town was asleep by now, so the only sounds were the soft chirps of the crickets and the occasional owl._

_“I want to have kids,” Scott suddenly said._

_That caused Tessa’s eyes to bolt open and she sat up abruptly._

_“Now?” she yelled, incredulous._

_Scott laughed. “No, not now, idiot. But someday. That’s what I want to be remembered for.”_

_“That’s not a legacy, dumbass,” Tessa said. “That’s a dream. And a pretty generic one at that, almost everyone wants kids at some point in their life.”_

_Scott shook his head and smiled, as if he were talking to a young child who couldn’t understand his deep, mature thoughts. It made Tessa want to smack him._

_“No, what I mean is, I want my kids to be my legacy. I want them to remember me as a good father and an even better man. I want to teach them what I know, raise them to be strong, smart, and kind. I want them to grow older and form their own beliefs and opinions and then teach me a thing or two. Above all else, I want to make them laugh. Every single day.”_

_Tessa didn’t have a snarky comment for that. In fact, warmth spread through her chest at Scott’s words and she gave the smallest of smiles, although it was masked by the darkness._

_“Damn,” Chiddy whispered and then looked at Tessa and laughed. “Try beating that one, T.”_

_Tessa rolled her eyes. “Okay. Well, I guess, it would have to be…my writing.”_

_“What do you mean?” Chiddy said._

_“I don’t know how to explain it.”_

_“Try,” Scott prompted her._

_Tessa sighed, feeling oddly vulnerable and extremely unsure of herself._

_“I want people to feel something about what I write. Whether they hate it or love it, whether it makes them angry or sad or happy, or makes them think about someone or something differently. I think having the ability to evoke emotions out of a complete stranger, using just my words will be the greatest legacy I could possibly think of. I know it’s crazy, and a hell of a long shot, but I want the world to be influenced by my words.”_

_Tessa had been staring at the night sky as she’d admitted all this. Somehow, the mosaic of galaxies and universes splayed above her made her feel comforted. Like there was so much vastness and possibility that her dreams and desires were safe up there with the stars._

_She looked down at her friends, only to find them smiling at her. She was surprised to find tears brimming in Chiddy’s eyes. He reached for her hand and she met him halfway, weaving their fingers together._

_“So, what about you, Mr. Sunshine?” she asked him._

_Chiddy smiled and the lights from the stars danced across his pupils._

_“I think that the greatest legacy…would be for anyone to remember I existed at all.”_

 

 

 

Tessa’s eyes stung and she ripped her gaze away from Scott and the envelope. She turned and walked away, not once risking a glance over her shoulder. Tessa felt an unidentifiable prick in her chest when Scott didn’t even try to call after her.

 

 

 

She shouldered her bag and began walking quicker, until she was practically running. She didn’t stop until she’d passed the dilapidated entryway to the town. She looked to her right and left, at the dirt road and barrenness that stretched for miles. The sun was beating down on her and the back of her neck was slick with sweat.

 

 

 

Tessa knew she had already missed her afternoon flight, but she figured she could just get a last-minute ticket back to Toronto. She remembered Jordan in that moment and then immediately felt guilty that she hadn’t thought of her before and how worried she must be. She took out her cell phone. No missed calls or texts.

 

 

 

Tessa wouldn’t be able to get a cab in this kind of place, so she decided she would just have to endure the heinous bus ride. Unfortunately, she knew that the nearest sign of civilization (i.e. a place with Wi-Fi and actual paved roads) was at least one hundred miles away.

 

 

 

Tessa must have been waiting for at least ten minutes before she spotted the bus from a distance. She sighed heavily and stretched out her sore back.

 

 

 

 “Tessa!” Scott called out from behind her.

 

 

 

She didn’t turn to look at him but could hear his footsteps approaching.

 

 

 

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked.

 

 

 

“To the airport. I missed my first flight, and I really can’t risk missing another.”

 

 

 

Tessa was next to her now and Scott fought the desire to look at him.

 

 

 

“So you’re gonna go?”

 

 

 

“Yup.”

 

 

 

“You don’t wonder about it at all?”

 

 

 

“Nope.”

 

 

 

“Bullshit.”

 

 

 

Tessa rolled her eyes, but she didn’t say anything.

 

 

 

“And you’re taking the bus?”

 

 

 

“Uh huh.”

 

 

 

“Can I join you?”

 

 

 

“It’s a bus, Scott. It’s public transportation, which means that I can’t dictate who does or does not get on.”

 

 

 

“So, that’s a yes then?”

 

 

 

She looked at him then and he was completely still, with just a touch of expectancy in his eyes.

 

 

 

“Look, Scott, just do what you want.”

 

 

 

“Great, then I’ll join you.”

 

 

 

Just as he said this, the bus pulled up in front of them. Tessa wasted no time and stepped on. The confined space was stuffed with sweaty bodies and Tessa did her best to squeeze past people. The bus started with a jolt and her hand shot up and she grabbed one of the handlebars on the ceiling. She felt a hand graze the small of her back and a shock ran through her body. She moved away from the touch and Tessa eventually found a seat near a window and plopped down unceremoniously. Scott took the seat beside her.

 

 

 

Tessa pushed back her flyaway hairs that had come out of her top knot and rested her head against the window. She closed her eyes and breathed in and out steadily. She was exhausted.

 

 

 

“It’s strange isn’t it?” Scott asked.

 

 

 

Tessa didn’t open her eyes but gave a small hum.

 

 

 

“All these years later, and I still remember everything as if it were yesterday,” Scott said. “The locals are still the same, they laugh the same jokes and play the same board games and tell the same stories. The town is pretty much exactly the way we left it. I guess it’s really just you and me who’ve changed.”

 

 

 

 _You’re wrong_ , Tessa wanted to say. _You haven’t changed at all. You can still tell when I’m lying through my teeth. You still make me want to rip your hair out and smack you. You’re still quiet and kind, just the way I remember you. I’m so glad for that, Scott. I’m so fucking glad you’re still the same. I don’t think I could stand it if you had turned out as angry and scared and lost as I have._

 

 

 

The words were on the tip of her tongue, but Tessa swallowed them whole, a technique she had perfected over the past decade. Instead, she evened out her breathing and scrunched her nose. Scott didn’t say anything else and Tessa fell into a deep sleep.

 

 

 

“ _I’ve gotta go the study room tonight, Tessa, I’ve got a test coming up in Algebra,” Scott said, making it a point to not look her in the eye as he said this._

_“Okay, first of all, it’s a Sunday night. Nobody studies on a Sunday night,” Tessa rebuked, clinging onto his arm as they walked toward the bus stop. Secondly, we are in the same Algebra class, so I know for a fact that that test you’re talking about isn’t for another week. Which means that you have plenty of time to study, which means that you have free time tonight, which means that you can take me to the movies.”_

_“Can’t you just go by yourself?”_

_“Trust me, I would if I could, but mom and dad didn’t have enough salary money left over for my allowance this month, so I’m broke.”_

_“So you just want me to come so I’ll pay?”_

_“Basically, yeah.”_

_Scott scoffed and Tessa laughed. The bus was already pulled up at the station and the both of them hurried on before it filled up. They walked slowly down the narrow aisle behind a couple of old ladies._

_“Just think about it,” Tessa begged. “I promise I’ll share my large popcorn and slushy with you.”_

_“What do you mean ‘share’?” Scott yelled. “I’m the one who’s gonna be paying.”_

_“So, you’ll do it then?” Tessa asked hopefully and Scott groaned in response. “Oh come! Okay, how ‘bout this? We’ll get a large popcorn and slushy for me and then you can get a small popcorn and – oof!”_

_Tessa had been staring at her own feet as they moved to the back of the bus and she suddenly slammed into Scott’s back. She regained her footing pretty easily._

_“Hey! Watch where you’re going.”_

_Scott didn’t respond and remained frozen in place._

_“Scott Moir, have you gone deaf? Scott!” Tessa shouted. “There are people behind us, you rude jerk, keep moving.”_

_Scott didn’t budge, but he did turn to Tessa and gave her a harsh, panicked look, which immediately shut her up. She looked behind him and her heart dropped to her stomach._

_Chiddy was sitting at the very back corner seat of the bus with his head resting against the glass. Even from here, Tessa could see the puffiness surrounding his eyes and the tears falling down his cheeks. He was curled in on himself. His sobs were quiet and went unnoticed by the rest of the world._

_Tessa said nothing but returned Scott’s alarmed expression. He paused for a moment more before walking purposefully toward Chiddy. Tessa stayed put and watched as Scott sat beside him, not saying anything or making any move to comfort him. Chiddy noticed him, but just continued to cry._

_The bus began to move, but she stayed put in the middle of the aisle. Tessa didn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation. She tried to think back to any other moments when she had comforted Chiddy and realized that it was something that she’d never done. She was hit smack over the head with the realization that she had never seen Chiddy cry. In all the years they’d been friends, practically family, Tessa had never once seen that boy cry._

_How was that possible? Even with her prickly personality, Tessa had broken down multiple times in front of Chiddy and he’d consoled her, so how could it be that she’d never done the same? It was especially shocking since Chiddy was such an emotional person. Whatever he felt, he showed, whatever he wanted, he asked for, and when he was angry, he yelled and when he was nervous, he showed it. Chiddy wore his heart on his sleeve, so how could she have never seen him cry before?_

_Tessa was pulled from her own thoughts when she saw Scott scoot closer to Chiddy. Neither said anything as Scott slid his hand into Chiddy’s and gave it a tight squeeze. Tessa’s heart ached at the sight and she smiled._

_She finally moved toward them and sat in the seats in front of her friends, turning to face them. Chiddy’s sobs had quieted down by now and he sniffled. Tessa was still at a loss for words, afraid that any of her usual sarcastic jokes would only make Chiddy feel worse. He needed comfort and Tessa felt horrible because she couldn’t give him that, she couldn’t give her friend what he needed. She was fidgeting in her seat, feeling absolutely useless._

_Chiddy reached for her hand in that moment, and Tessa took it without a moment’s hesitation. She brought Chiddy’s hand close to her mouth and blew her hot breath onto it, something he had done for her whenever she had cried. She looked at him and smiled warmly and he returned it._

_Tessa made eye contact with Scott and he gave her a small nod, as if to assure her that she was doing okay, that she was a good friend and she was doing what she could and that that was enough. And it all seemed to click for Tessa, just how much they all needed each other, and how well they balanced each other out. Tessa had always known just how much she needed Scott and Chiddy, and she was acutely aware of what she lacked. Her two friends made up for it though, filling up and completing the parts of her that she could not._

_However, for the first time, Tessa understood her own importance in this trio. In the same way Scott and Chiddy made up for the things Tessa lacked, she did the same for them._

_They all sat there, holding hands and breathing, and a silent understanding passed between them. Tessa was completely content in that moment. Her heart was full._

 

 

 

“Tessa,” a voice whispered and Tessa jolted awake.

 

 

 

She rubbed her sore neck and blinked a few times in order to regain her vision.

 

 

 

“What is it?” she asked groggily.

 

 

 

“Come with me,” Scott said. He stood, shimmied his way through the aisle full of passengers and walked off the bus.

 

 

 

Tessa waited for a few moments and then followed him outside. They were still driving on the uneven dirt road, with not a soul in sight, except for a small ice cream stand that Scott was currently making his way towards. The bus pulled away, leaving them both behind in a cloud of dirt, and Tessa had a moment of panic when she remembered that she had to get to the airport and back to Toronto, but she quickly forgot her anxiousness and followed Scott.

 

 

 

“Can I get one scoop of caramel swirl and one scoop of bubblegum flavor, both on waffle cones. Thank you,” Scott said and handed over some crinkled bills to the old man behind the makeshift counter.

 

 

 

He gave Scott a wide grin and reached over the barrier to pat Scott’s cheek before leaving to get them their ice cream.

 

 

 

“Do you think he recognized you?” Tessa whispered.

 

 

 

“Who knows? He was always affectionate though, with all his customers, so I don’t think so.”

 

 

 

“It’d be weird if he didn’t though. We used to come here every day after school.” Tessa gave a soft chuckle. “And I can’t believe you still get the bubblegum flavor. What are you, five?”

 

 

 

Tessa laughed and stuffed his wallet in his back pocket just as the old man returned. He handed them their respective ice cream cones and then held out a third one. A double scoop of strawberry on a chocolate sprinkle cone.

 

 

 

Tessa looked at Scott, unsure of what to do.

 

 

 

“For your other friend,” the old man said and grinned widely. “His favorite, no?”

 

 

 

Tessa smiled weakly and nodded. Scott took the third cone and gave a slight bow before turning to leave. Tessa followed him close behind. Her ice cream was already melting, but she suddenly had no appetite.

 

 

 

They walked back to the edge of the road in silence, the pair of them lost in their own solemn thoughts. They waited for the next bus to arrive.

 

 

 

“Do you think we should read it?” Scott asked.

 

 

 

Tessa stood still, wondering for a moment if she could play it off as if she hadn’t heard him because of the wind.

 

 

 

“I don’t know.”

 

 

 

“You think I do?” he asked.

 

 

 

“No.”

 

 

 

“I think we should read it.”

 

 

 

“Well, go ahead then.”

 

 

 

“I meant both of us, we should both read it, Tessa.”

 

 

 

Tessa didn’t say anything, suddenly becoming very interested in her shoes.

 

 

 

“Tessa.”

 

 

 

She didn’t look up.

 

 

 

“We need to. I think that, maybe after all this time, it’s the only thing we can do.”

 

 

 

She still didn’t look up.

 

 

 

“Please, Tessa. Please.”

 

 

 

“Why do you care if I read it?” she snapped. “It’s not like you need me to hold your hand while you do it, do you?”

 

 

 

Scott just stared at her, and the sadness and hurt was so apparent in his eyes that Tessa had to look down at her feet again.

 

 

 

She allowed herself to take a few deep breaths before speaking again.

 

 

 

“I just don’t think I could stand it if…”

 

 

 

She stopped, and attempted to steady her faltering voice.

 

 

 

“I don’t think I could do it, Tessa. I don’t think I could handle it. What if we’re to blame? What if it was something we did? Or worse, what if there was something we could have done, but didn’t?”

 

 

 

As she had spoken, Tessa’s voice had grown quieter and meeker until her last few words came out as a barely audible whisper.

 

 

 

Scott said nothing and they both stood there as the wind began to pick up. Not so long after, another bus pulled up and Tessa and Scott got on and found their seats in silence. They both fell asleep almost immediately, but it was certainly not a peaceful slumber for either of them.

 

 

 

~     *      ~

 

 

 

Tessa and Scott got off at relatively lively town and easily found a motel to stay in for the night. Scott only booked one room for the two of them and Tessa said nothing about it. Neither of them had any extra clothes, so Scott left to go find a place to buy some pajamas. He came back with toothbrushes, toothpaste, lotion, and some basic brand sleepwear.

 

 

 

Tessa changed out of her black dress and heels and rubbed her aching feet. She could hear Scott shut off the water of the bathroom sink and she watched him as he paced about the tiny space, looking for this and that.

 

         

 

“Hey, Scott?”

 

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

          

 

“How’s Anna?”

 

 

 

Scott stopped what he was doing and looked at Tessa, obviously confused as to why Tessa decided to bring up his girlfriend all of a sudden.

 

 

 

“She’s good, I guess. Why?”

 

 

 

Tessa shrugged. “No reason, just wondering.”

 

 

 

A few minutes of silence passed before Tessa broke it with another inquiry.

 

 

 

“How long have you two been together again?”

 

 

 

Tessa already knew the answer.

 

 

 

“Six years,” Scott said.

 

          

 

She nodded mechanically, unsure why the answer bothered her. She chalked it up to curiosity. Scott had never been a social media addict, so in the ten years they’d been apart, Tessa had gotten little to no information about him or his relationship. But six years was a damn long time.

 

 

 

“So I’m guessing marriage must not be that far off, then?”

 

 

 

“I’m not so sure.”

 

 

 

“You know, I gotta say I’m surprised you’re not hitched already. Wasn’t it your dream to have as many kids as possible?”

 

 

 

Scott didn’t say anything for a minute, and Tessa was afraid she’d upset him.

 

 

 

“Anna doesn’t want children.”

 

 

 

Tessa’s eyebrows rose. “Oh?”

 

 

 

“Yeah, she, uh, she never really wanted kids actually. She told me on the first date, but I guess I thought I could somehow change her mind.”

 

 

 

Scott turned to face her, and he looked like a man defeated, as if he’d argued with his girlfriend over this issue for a while now and had just given up. He fixed his eyes on the floor.

 

 

 

“That’s stupid,” Tessa admonished. “You can’t just change someone’s mind about that kind of thing.”

 

 

 

“Well, I guess I’m an idiot then. I don’t know, I think I could get used to the idea of not having kids. I think I love Anna enough to, you know, give that up.”

 

 

 

Tessa didn’t respond, but she did want to yell at him for being such a goddamn idiot.

 

 

 

“You can’t do that, Scott,” she said. “You can’t give that up, not when it’s what you want to be remembered for.”

 

 

 

Scott gaze snapped to hers and he let out a deep breath.

 

 

 

“Well, it’s not like you haven’t done the same thing, Tessa.”

 

 

 

“I had my reasons.”

 

 

 

“Which were?”

 

 

 

“I had my future to worry about, Scott. I left home right after high school for Toronto. I needed money, so I started working odd jobs to put myself through college. And I tried to write, okay? I wrote scripts and short stories and articles and sent them everywhere, to all sorts of producers and companies and newspapers, but no one cared, Scott. No one gave a flying fuck what I had to say about income inequality or poverty or education or feminism, all right. So I started writing what I knew would sell. And I hated it, Scott. I hated it so much. I hate writing about dating scandals and berating female celebrities for getting plastic surgery, and basically going against everything I believe in, but I have to. I need to take care of myself, and that is the kind of bullshit that sells, so, I write it.”

 

 

 

“And I might have thrown away my dreams Scott, but at least I know who and what I’m doing it for. I’m doing it to take care of myself, so I can live comfortably after living on the borderline of poverty my entire life. I’m doing it so I don’t have to deprive myself of a full day of meals just so I can pay my bills. I’m doing it so I don’t have to always live in fear that I’ll be kicked out of my own home because I can’t pay rent. And it may sound superficial and shallow to you, but it’s what I want. And I know that I won’t be stuck doing this forever. I know what I’m capable of, and I will get where I want to be. I’m sure of it. I’m getting closer every day, when I build connections with publishers and get my foot in the door of huge meetings. I’m on my way to achieving my legacy.”

 

 

 

“But I just don’t understand how you can let go of your dream for someone else, Scott. You want kids. I know you do. You always have. So how can you settle, Scott, when you know you can have so much more? And you say that you ‘think’ you love Anna enough to give up on that dream. You only think you love her enough? Scott, think about the rest of your life and try to imagine what it would be like, what it would be like without every fulfilling your dreams or achieving that legacy you yearn for. How will you live Scott?”

 

 

 

Tessa’s voice had cracked and wavered and choked up throughout the entirety of her spiel, but she had finished strong and sure of herself, the way she always did.

 

 

 

Scott said nothing and he and Tessa stared at each other wordlessly. The room was completely silent now, but it wasn’t the tense, separating kind of silence they had experienced this morning. Instead, this was the comforting, connecting sort of silence, the one where no words were wanted nor needed. The kind of silence that both of them had missed.

 

 

 

_Tessa couldn’t stop herself from giggling as she and Scott took off hand in hand. They rounded a corner and paused, desperately searching for a place to hide. She heard shrieks and laughter echoing throughout the empty school hallway._

 

 

_“Here!” Scott whispered urgently and he began to drag Tessa over to an empty classroom._

_Tessa yanked him back. “No, you idiot, that’s too obvious. Come here, I know a place.”_

_She took off back the way they came and squinted through the darkness. Tessa could hear footsteps running behind them and they sounded as if they were getting closer and closer to her and Scott._

_“Here it is!” she cried out._

_She pulled Scott with her into the hiding spot. It was a small crevice covered by a curtain that realistically resembled the school’s faux brick walls. Tessa has discovered it her freshmen year, escaping to it during especially boring classes._

_She pushed Scott against the wall and clamped her hand over his mouth just as a series of rushed footsteps and voices ran past them._

_“They went this way,” she heard Andrew say._

_Once their pursuers were safely out of the way and Tessa could no longer hear any noises, she let out a long sigh and turned to look at Scott. Her hand was still covering his mouth and his gaze was fixed on her. Tessa noticed how close they were, chest to chest, and both of them were breathing hard._

_It was strange; she and Scott had always been close, emotionally and physically. They’d held hands, hugged, shared a bed, and anything else you might have expected two people who have known each other since birth to do._

_But, suddenly, in this very moment, it felt as if something shifted. Something within herself, or between them, Tessa wasn’t sure, but in this moment, she wasn’t seeing the boy in front of her as Scott Moir; her anchor, one of her best friends, or anything else of the sort. It was as if, all of a sudden, Scott’s appearance and effect on Tessa had been drastically altered. His eyes were now an alluring and romantic black, his chest felt rock solid against her own, and all Tessa wanted to do was get closer, closer than she’d ever been, and not stop until she’d drowned herself in him._

_As she continued to stare into Scott’s eyes, Tessa felt an all too familiar ache between her thighs, and a part of her wanted to slap herself out of this hormone-driven trance and run away because, this was Scott Moir for God’s sake. She’d always considered him to be a brother. The other part of her, however, the part that was currently dominating her train of thought, wanted nothing more than to feel Scott’s lips against hers._

_Tessa wasn’t sure how long she’d been gawking at him. She still had her hand over his mouth and her palm was beginning to feel damp due of his harsh breathing. Tessa wasn’t sure what he was feeling at the moment, she was usually so in sync with him, but the only emotion she could read in Scott’s eyes now was that of confusion. She was sure that anything she was planning on doing would end up being a horrible mistake, but at the moment, this was what she needed, what she craved._

_As soon as she removed her hand from Scott’s mouth, Tessa kissed him. It was a short kiss, and she kept her eyes open, watching and gauging his reaction. He blinked rapidly when her lips pressed swiftly against his and all Tessa could see was his shocked expression. Tessa pulled away and both of them just looked at one other for what seemed like an eternity. Tessa couldn’t read Scott at all, so she kissed him again. And again. And again. And again. She showered him with a series of chaste, simple kisses, trying her best to elicit some kind of response. His lips were soft and Tessa wanted to go deeper and taste him._

_When Tessa planted a fifth kiss on Scott’s lips, she felt a pair of firm hands clench her waist and then Scott’s lips were sliding against hers. Tessa tried her best not to whimper in relief as she pushed herself further into him. Her eyes fluttered closed and her heartbeat raced. She cupped his cheeks in her hands and experimentally flicked her tongue out, silently asking for entrance. Scott obliged and Tessa melted as their tongues met and all there was in the world was warmth and wetness._

_Tessa felt the overwhelming urge to cross her legs and press her inner thighs together, trying to get rid of the distracting ache. Instead, she slowly grinded her hips against Scott’s, and he immediately pulled away from her lips with a loud smack and let out a groan. Tessa smiled mischievously and continued rolling her body against his, eliciting loud guttural noises from him that sent sparks of electricity coursing through her._

_Amidst all this, Tessa heard footsteps and yelling coming from the end of the hall and she suddenly remembered where they were and how easy it would be for them to get caught. Scott seemed to have the same thought, and they broke apart. They looked at each other and silently decided that they needed to move this escapade somewhere more private._

_“Follow me,” Tessa whispered, and she led Scott across the hall into the nearest empty classroom. She scanned the room for any other students who were possibly hiding and, upon realizing that there was no one in there, she pulled Scott in, closed the window blinds, and locked the door._

_She turned back to find Scott standing sheepishly with his hands stuffed in his pockets. She immediately noticed his shift in attitude._

_“What’s wrong?” she asked, when all she really wanted to do was put his hands to better use than fumbling around in his jean pockets._

_“I-um, I don’t think this is a good idea,” Scott stammered. “The kiss and the, uh – other stuff – was too much and I just don’t think we should, you know, continue. It could get out of hand.”_

_“You mean, we could have had sex,” Tessa clarified._

_Scott turned bright red at her comment, as if they weren’t just grinding a minute ago._

_“Yeah, I don’t think we should do that.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“What?”_

_“What’s so wrong with us having sex together?”_

_Scott gaped at her. “Are you serious?”_

_“Well, we were each other’s first kiss.” Tessa took a few steps forward toward Scott. “Why not be each other’s first time?”_

_Scott shook his head. “Because it’s different. It’s a big deal, and…it could ruin everything.”_

_“So, we just won’t let it.”_

_“You say that like it’s so easy.”_

_“It is. Look, I want to do this. Now, with you. Do you want me? That’s really the only thing standing in our way right now. I’m pretty sure our friendship can withstand one hook up.”_

_Scott didn’t respond and Tessa was patient as she waited for him to think this through for himself. He finally looked up at her again and Tessa saw it in his eyes, that he wanted this._

_Tessa backed Scott into the teacher’s cushioned seat. She kicked its leg stands, grounding the chair to the floor, and hovered over him for a moment. Their foreheads touched lightly and Tessa decided to use this as an opportunity to taste Scott’s skin for the first time. She leaned down and licked the length of his collarbone before gently sucking and biting the soft spots on his throat._

_Scott moaned and his hands flew out to cup Tessa’s ass. He began to knead her cheeks and Tessa gave out a sharp gasp. She leaned into his touch and all she could think was more, more, more, more._

_Tessa stood straight and quickly lifted her shirt up and off and attempted to unzip her pleated school skirt. The zipper was stick, however, and after three or so tugs, Tessa was beginning to look like an idiot._

_Scott laughed and his hands replaced hers and he unzipped her skirt and pulled it down and off of her. He pulled her closer to him. He began to leave a set of sporadic kisses along her stomach and Tessa laced her fingers in his hair. She found comfort in the warmth of his breath against her abdomen and she couldn’t help thinking that maybe this was all a bit too intimate, a bit too natural._

_All rational thought came to a screeching halt, however, when Tessa felt Scott’s fingers graze up her thighs. She could feel him grin against the skin of her stomach as he hooked his fingers in the waistband of her cotton underwear and tugged. A second later, and her underwear was on the floor and Tessa honestly didn’t know how long she was going to last._

_They had had sex that night. It had been clumsy and messy and good and, after they had finished, they’d rested their foreheads against one another’s and laughed. They’d never told anybody what had happened, not even Chiddy, not that they needed to. Nothing had happened beyond that night, but they had had this strange sort of pull and connection since, or perhaps, even before, that night. Tessa would reach for Scott, and he would already be there to hold her hand when she needed it. He would be struggling in silence and she would be the first person to notice. For anyone who saw them together, it was obvious that what they had had was natural, one of those inevitable, meant to be kind of things._

_And that’s why it had hurt so much when she had left, when she had deserted him. That’s why it still hurt._

 

          

 

“I’m so sorry,” Tessa whispered.

 

 

 

“What for?” Scott asked, but Tessa had a strong feeling he knew exactly what she was apologizing for. He was still sparing her.

 

 

 

“I’m so, so sorry, Scott. I don’t know how to even begin to tell you just how sorry I am. I’m just so fucking sorry, Scott.”

 

 

 

“It’s okay,” he reassured her. He sat down next to her on the bed. “I understand now why you did it. For a long time, well, up until this morning really, I hadn’t and I was so angry and hurt. It doesn’t make any of it easier, but I get it, Tessa. It was just hard. I lost two of the most important people in my life in the span of two days.”

 

 

 

Tessa didn’t have anything to say to that.

 

 

 

“Why didn’t you ever try calling?” Tessa asked. “I must have left you two hundred voicemails the day of his funeral. Even after you left for Toronto, you never tried to get in touch.”

 

 

 

“I was never as open as you or Chiddy. I don’t think I could have handled it just being us two. We needed him, Scott. I needed him. And I was just so damn scared. Scared that it was my fault. I was one of his best friends, and I couldn’t see it. Maybe if I’d just asked him –”

 

 

 

A loud ringing interrupted her midsentence and Tessa recognized the sound as her cell phone. She stood and grabbed her phone off the dresser. It was Jordan

 

 

 

“Hello?” she said.

 

 

 

“Tessa!” Jordan yelled through the receiver. “I was so worried about you? How are things?’

 

 

 

“Well, actually, I’m good. Everything has been very goo–”

 

 

 

“That’s great, Tess, but I was calling to ask why you weren’t at the airport today. The cabbie I sent said you weren’t there. Where are you?”

 

 

 

“I’m staying behind a bit to see some old friends and .”

 

 

 

“When are you coming home?”

 

 

 

“Soon.”

 

 

 

“Good, because I’ve been living off microwaveable pizza for the last twenty-four hours and I need you to come make me something that doesn’t include pepperoni or tomato sauce. Okay, well, I’ll see you soon. Make sure to say hi to everyone for me”

 

 

 

“I will. Bye, Jordan.”

 

 

 

Tessa ended the call and turned back to Scott, who was now lying underneath the covers of the twin sized bed, eyes half closed. She placed her phone back on the dresser before sliding in bed next to Scott.

 

 

 

He had his back to her but Tessa found comfort in the steady rise and fall of his back and shoulders. She closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh.

 

 

 

“You know I loved you, right?” Scott whispered.

 

 

 

“I know.” Of course she did. “Did you know I loved you too?”

 

 

 

“Yeah…that’s what made it so painful.”

 

 

 

~     *      ~

 

 

 

Tessa stuck her feet into the cool water and immediately sighed in relief. Scott ripped his shoes and socks off and joined her. They both sat there, relaxing and enjoying the sun and light breeze that was coming in. The sounds of the waterfall in the background were soothing and Tessa threw her head back and closed her eyes. She and Scott had left the motel early that morning and taken the bus for two hours to get to these falls. The scenery was beautiful, with lush greenery surrounding the small body of water, and the sky bright blue and cloudless.

 

 

 

“Do you remember the last time we were here?” Scott asked.

 

 

 

Tessa hummed in response.

 

 

 

“We took the bus here immediately after graduation and jumped in, cap and gowns and all.”

 

 

 

Tessa laughed, recalling the day perfectly. Chiddy had jumped in first, of course, and Scott had quickly followed suit. Tessa had attempted to take off her robe first, but Chiddy and Scotthad dragged her into the water before she could. They’d swam and explored for hours and by the time they had gotten home, their graduation gowns were ruined and the sun had been setting. Their parents had given them all an earful, but they had just smiled at each other and laughed about it as they had gotten ready for bed.

 

 

 

“You know what I always admired about Chiddy?” Scott asked.

 

 

 

Tessa kept her eyes closed, and for the first time in ten years, her heart didn’t drop to her stomach at the sound of his name. She smiled.

 

 

 

“What?”

 

 

 

“He knew what mattered most. He loved his family and his friends with all his heart. He was passionate. He cared, and he wasn’t afraid to show it. It’s strange that we, as a society, are obsessed with downplaying our feelings. We don’t admit to liking a book series as much as we really do. We get embarrassed when we know too much about something. We keep our obsessions and our desires a secret from the rest of the world, thinking people will ridicule us for just caring about something. We’re all playing a game of “who cares less” and dehumanizing ourselves, never giving ourselves a chance to just go all out and love something or someone the way we want to.”

 

 

 

“Chiddy was never like that. If anything, he loved too much. He danced for hours in the rain and could spout trivia about movies from the 50’s like it as nobody’s business. He was obsessed with his yo-yo collection and, if he decided to love something, he never held back. He loved with everything he had, with every fiber of his being. I can’t imagine living life that way, how freeing it must have been for him. “

 

 

 

“But, I guess, when you love and live that way, in a world where people are cruel and guarded and look down on anyone who is not, I can’t imagine the kind of pain you have to live with. Constantly being looked down upon and rejected just because you…care. And he never told anybody. That was one of his biggest faults, I think. He was so open and yet so withdrawn, only showing people his happiness and passionate and loving side, never allowing anyone to see him in pain or worry about him.”

 

 

 

Tessa opened her eyes and blinked as the brightness of the sky seeped in. Her eyes were wet.

 

 

 

“Chiddy knew what was important,” Tessa said, and her voice quivered. “I was insecure when were young. You knew. And so did Chiddy. I had no resiliency. I thought of every problem and mistake as some sort of wall I could never climb over. I let my anxiety consume me and I was hell bent on getting others to validate me. But, whenever I doubted myself or did something stupid to impress someone, Chiddy  would tell me that the only approval that really matters is the approval of those who love you, like your family and your friends. Those are the people who matter, the people you should keep close to you. He was always there to remind me of that fact.”

 

 

 

Tessa let out a weak chuckle.

 

 

 

“But I guess, with him no longer around to remind me, I ended up forgetting.”

 

 

 

She didn’t say anything after that, unable to push words past the lump in her throat. Tessa looked down at her hands and her vision blurred and then she was crying. She cried for herself, for never allowing herself to really feel this pain and keeping it inside for ten unbearable years. She cried for her parents and her life back in the town, for never appreciating all the beauty and happiness that was a part of childhood. She cried for Scott, for the loneliness and suffering he must have gone through without his friends and for the way they had loved each other. She cried most especially for Chiddy, for everything he had given her, for every smile, hug, laugh, and moment spent together. She also cried for the way she had let him down, for never showing to his funeral or saying goodbye.

 

 

 

Her eyes stung and her throat was sore, and she had to keep wiping away the flood of tears running down her cheeks, but Tessa let herself cry and wail and sob. At one point, Scott took her hand and began to rub her back. He pressed his temple to the side of her head and let her cry.

 

 

 

After a few minutes, she stopped, and her cries turned into hiccups and she waited for her breathing to slow down. She reached down and splashed water onto her face, trying to get rid of the stinging and redness in her eyes.

 

 

 

Scott kept her hand clasped firmly in his and Tessa was grateful. They said nothing for a few minutes, just held hands and listened to the sounds around them.

 

 

 

Scott eventually reached into his back pocket. He pulled out the envelope and looked at Tessa. He didn’t say anything, asking her a silent question and Tessa nodded. She was ready.

 

 

 

He ripped open the envelope, took out a piece of binder paper covered in Chiddy’s scrawl and began reading.

 

 

 

_Hi Tessa. Hi Scott._

_I’m not really sure how to start this, but Tessa always said that the worst thing you could do to yourself is allow yourself to become too afraid to start. Of course, she said this in reference to eating a whole ladle full of ice cream on a dare, but, hey, it still applies right? I imagine you both might chuckle at that part, or, at least, I hope you will, for my sake._

 

_Right now I’m laying on a mattress on the ground, and Tessa, you’re laying beside me and you’re snoring (YES you do snore Tessa, hate to break it to you for the millionth time) and Scott, you’re passed out on the couch. We just got back from jumping into that spring and I don’t know why I’m staying up to write this, but I feel like I need to do this now, when I’m at my highest and my happiest, when I’m with you two._

_Do you guys know that, sometimes, I wonder if people really love me? Sometimes I wonder if anyone really cares about me at all. It’s stupid I know, but I can’t help doubting how people feel. And then I let those thoughts consume me and then pretty soon I’m not sure if anyone has ever loved me at all._

_It’s silly really, to constantly doubt peoples’ love and affection for you. It’s also exhausting. Maybe I’m delusional, or maybe people really didn’t like me. But it’s just hard, when you feel like you give so much and receive so little. My mother tried to explain to me that people love in different ways. Some families and friends bicker and tease and fight in order to show affection, while others coo and hug and kiss one another. She told me that I had it hard, seeing as my mother’s family was one way and my father’s was another, so as I result I was a mix of both. I could play and tease and joke around, but I also craved tender affection from everyone around me. Some people just aren’t built that way, my mom said, so you should try not to hold it against them. I tried, but I failed._

_I’m not sure what else I can say, or whether I could properly explain what I’m thinking or why I’m doing this. I know you two will be hurt and I know you will blame yourselves or wonder if there were any signs, but…I don’t know what to say. You shouldn’t blame yourselves. You two are the best things in my life. I hope you know just how grateful I am to have the both of you in my life, how grateful I am to love you both. I feel whole when I’m with you two._

_Tessa, you’re such a strong girl, you’re sharp and witty and I hope you get everything you dreamed of and change the world with your writing. I’m so proud of you and all that you’re going to accomplish. Scott, you’re so unbelievably kind and generous and honest and I always look to you to be source of strength. I know that someday you’re going to be an amazing father. I hope that, above all else, you two will hold onto each other and remain friends. You need each other. I know we always worked best as a trio, but don’t miss me too much, yeah?_

_Do you guys remember Mr. White’s restaurant, the one we used to go to every Friday? And we used to sit in the tiny corner table behind the condiments and just laugh and laugh until it was midnight and Mr. White kicked us out? That restaurant, and that table, is a place where I feel whole._

_People always say that you can find beauty in the smallest and simplest of things. Ordinary places and people are actually the most extraordinary things the world has to offer. The kind owner of a local restaurant, the group of grandmothers who laugh and bicker at the corner table, the young couple who are sitting across from one another and falling deeper in love with each passing moment are all what makes this life worthwhile. And, of course, there are the three best friends who come in every Friday afternoon, and sit at the same table and order the same food and laugh at the same jokes._

_Of all the most amazing and incredible things this world has to offer, nothing compares to the feeling of having you two by my side. Thank you._

 

 

 

Scott looked up at Tessa and his eyes were bright and awash with tears. Tessa’s heart had ached throughout the entirety of the time he read the letter, as if someone had reached inside her chest and had squeezed her heart. They both looked at each other, neither saying anything but still knowing exactly what the other was thinking. Their hands were still clasped together. Tessa leaned forward and pressed her forehead to Scott’s. He closed his eyes first and she followed. They sat there and exhaled together, letting go of it all, and yet, still holding on to so much. They were okay. They were going to be okay.

 

 

 

Tessa was completely content in that moment.

 

 

 

Her heart was full.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading it. Now, can falsettodrop update "Conversations with dead people", please?


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